


Falling Awake

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-24 01:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7487673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What could have happened, if Marcelo hadn't saved Tarja as she got attacked in Mexico?<br/>Well, probably this ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Good morning, sleeping beauty", Tuomas chuckled and poked the slumbering Tarja.  
"Mhhh?", she mumbled and turned around, screaming, as the four guys, her whole band, grinned at her from above.  
"Are you crazy?!", she screeched, pulling the blanket over her exposed nightgown. "You can't do that! Tuomas!"  
"Sorry", the young keyboarder chuckled and continued poking her upper arm. "Now get up your lazy ass, we're there."

Tarja stepped outside and took a deep breath. It was her first time in Mexico, and it also was the first time for the boys. It was hot, even hotter than she had expected, and the sun was already shining strongly. How strange, it wasn't even eight in the morning!  
Tarja yawned and decided to go for a run.  
After warming up her limbs, she looked at the guys and rolled her eyes - they were focussing on a video game, as usual. "I'll go for a run", she called and only got nods of Sami and Emppu in reply, Tuomas and Jukka were ignoring her completely.  
"Have fun, Tarja", Tarja muttered to herself. "Try not to hurt yourself, Tarja. Drink enough water, Tarja. Be careful not to get raped, Tarja."  
Tuomas looked up. "Don't be silly, we're not in Brazil, right?"  
"Asshole", Tarja grunted and started running right from the tour bus, letting out her anger at the man she had a huge crush on, but who was too immature for her anyway, with doing sports.  
Back in the tour bus, Jukka threw a short look on his dark haired band mate, who was staring after the young woman helplessly. "Just tell her you love her", he said quietly, but Tuomas shook his head.  
"I can't", he only said. "She doesn't feel the same."

Tarja was jogging trough the warm city, wondering about if she would find the arena where they would perform tonight. Wondering if a fan would recognise her, after she had decided not to wear make up this early in the morning.  
She got slower as she came closer to a little market and noticed a little uncomfortably that everyone was staring at her. Well, she probably was the only white person around, and compared to those Mexican people, the young Finn felt like a snowman.  
"Good morning", she greeted the man at a little stand which was selling fruits and self made smoothies. "One banana smoothie, please."  
The man didn't answer, but started preparing the smoothie, which made Tarja put the question if he was able to speak English aside.  
Tarja paid and thanked him again, which made him smile. Tarja smiled back, until she noticed that he was lowering his eyes, checking out her body.  
How paedophile ...  
"Nightwish, right?", he asked and Tarja nodded excitedly.  
"Yes, glad you noticed me in my unusual, strange appearance."  
"Not necessary to think so", the man answered and added, "You're beautiful, Tarja Turunen", though her name sounded more like "Tarha Turune".  
Tarja smiled, still feeling a little uncomfortable. "Well then ... Thank you", she said, quickly turned around and started running.  
"See you tonight", the man called after her and Tarja muttered, "I hope not."  
Guadalajara, that was how the city was called. Strange city, Guadalajara.

At least the smoothie had tasted good, and Tarja came back to the tour bus at nine. The guys had already checked in at the hotel, so Tarja hurried after Ewo quickly, who was scolding a little with her. No one had told him where she had been.  
Tarja told Ewo about her meeting with this creepy guy, but the elder man only answered with a "Hm."  
Inside the hotel the two met their tour manager, Marcelo Cabuli, who told Tarja immediately that her band mates were angry at her.  
Tarja rolled her eyes. "Tell me something new", she groaned and Marcelo looked at the young woman with an apologetic look.  
"Sorry", she apologised. "Sami told me to tell you." He smiled at the beautiful woman gently, and Tarja smiled back.  
"Ehm ... Could I talk to you for a moment?", he asked shyly and Tarja looked at Ewo, who nodded.  
"Meanwhile I'll go and find out why those immature boys are angry at you", he suggested and Tarja smiled thankfully.  
And as soon as Ewo had hurried upstairs, Tarja looked back at the sympathetic Argentinian. "You wanted to say something?"  
"More like ... ask you something", Marcelo said and Tarja felt a little sting inside her stomach. He wouldn't ask her out now, or would he?  
"Well ... Tonight after the show. I guess you won't join the after show party?"  
"Oh, surely not", Tarja spat. "Too much smokers."  
Marcelo seemed relieved. "Would you like to go for a drink then?", he stuttered. "In a non smoker bar? With - with me ...?"  
Tarja felt her cheeks blush and first wanted to say no, but then she recalled that this unrequited love for Tuomas was indeed unrequited. And the slightly elder man was cute, actually ... He seemed so shy, as if he had been afraid of asking her.  
"Sure", she said casually and watched the man's face brighten in awe. He was really a nice guy.  
"Okay", he answered and Tarja noticed that he was nervous. "Then I'll make reservations at this bar."  
"Great", Tarja said and giggled. "Now I have to see what my dearest band mates hate me for this time."  
Tarja turned around and followed Ewo, while Marcelo looked after the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, not quite believing that a woman as beautiful as her could be so nice and sweet to everyone she met.

The guys had only played a prank on Marcelo, who had somehow grown to be their victim in the last three days. They had already hidden his clothes once, they had put Tarja's flatting iron on his pillow, and so on.  
This time Tarja tried to defend him a little by asking the guys to stop picking on him.  
"Have you seen his hair??", Tuomas asked and Tarja threw a dangerous look at him.  
"You're only jealous because he has natural curls", she spat and turned to the microphone again, continuing the practice, while Tuomas stood behind her, not knowing what to think about what all of this could mean.  
The soundcheck went fine and without incidents, and soon Tarja was getting closer to being nervous, the closer the clock was coming to eight. The guys did their normal rituals before they went to the stage, while Tarja was warming up her voice next to them.  
"You can stop that, nightingale", Tuomas told Tarja after a while. "You sound brilliant."  
"Not good enough", Tarja sang in a high, operatic tune and Tuomas could once more only watch her trembling body while a strong wave of the love he felt for this woman washed over him.  
"No, honestly. You sound perfect", he whispered and Tarja got close to hug him tight.  
"We'll do this, we are Nightwish!", she screamed and the guys did the same, and then it was time. The curtains went aside, revealing a completely filled arena, full of screaming fans.  
The first tunes of She Is My Sin started and Tarja felt as if she was in heaven. Her voice almost bursted with feels as she sang the lines which came out of the most brilliant songwriter's mind ever, a man she loved with her heart and soul, a man she always thought about while singing.  
"I am the fallen, you are what my sin's enclose", Tarja sang. "Lust is not as creative as its discovery ..."  
Truth be told, that was an interesting text ...  
"Bless me, undress me, pick your prey in a wicked way. God, I must confess, I do envy the sinners ..."  
And suddenly it hit her - it was about her. The whole song. And probably the other songs were as well. Swanheart. Passion And The Opera. Wanderlust. Astral Romance. Beauty And The Beast ... Every single song on their three albums was written only for and only about her. There were so many references only she could get ...  
Tarja forced herself to sing on, and couldn't be happier as the song ended. Almost automatically she moved over to Tuomas, but before she could hug him, the tunes of FantasMic started and Tarja sighed, realising that she had to wait until the concert was over.  
Tarja put all her feels into the slower part of FantasMic, thinking of Tuomas with her whole heart. And as her favourite part of the song started, the lights started to flicker and Tarja's gaze fell on a man, whose face she had hoped to never see again.  
He was standing in the first row and grinning up to her, his hands were at the stage.  
Tarja jumped back, but the Mexican was faster, he jumped onto the stage and threw himself on her, crashing her head down at the ground before she could even scream.  
The last thing Tuomas saw, was how a tall Mexican jumped at Tarja and pulled, no, pushed her to the ground.  
Tuomas bit his lip, eager to help her, but he knew he had to keep on playing.  
Cries and screams went through the crowd and panicking Tuomas noticed that the man crashed Tarja to the ground violently again and again, her head hitting the hard stage two, three, for times in a row. He started kissing her throat wildly and Tarja didn't even try to defend herself - Tuomas noticed in shock that her eyes were closed and her body was saggy.  
Had he ... Had he killed her? No ... No, he couldn't ... He loved her, she couldn't be dead ...  
But he had hit her head ...  
'Damn, where is that fucking security??', Tuomas desperately thought and looked over to Jukka, who had already stopped playing, obviously looking for the security as well.  
'That's it', he thought as the man ripped open Tarja's dress and he shoved the keyboard away.  
"GET OFF OF HER YOU MOTHERFUCKER", he yelled and Jukka immediately went after him.  
Together they pulled the Mexican away, who started to pull Tarja with him.  
"She's mine!", he shouted. "Only mine! Mine! She talked to me today, only to me! She is the sweetest person on earth! God sent her to me, she's my angel!!"  
"He's insane!", Emppu yelled from behind them.  
"Leave her, oh my God, you killed her!!", Jukka shouted and the Mexican finally let go of Tarja.  
Tuomas caught the saggy body before it could hit the stage. "Tarja", he whispered, his heart beating madly. "Don't die, I beg you ..."  
He could feel her weak heartbeat against his chest as he pressed her close to himself, but he didn't tell the shocked Mexican, afraid that he'd continue with assaulting Tarja.  
The fans were still screaming and crying while Marcelo and a security guy pulled the tall man away from the stage.  
"You killed her!", Jukka screamed one last time and Tuomas noticed that he was also crying, his tears were tears of anger though.  
Jukka turned around to Tuomas. "He killed her, right?", he whispered and Tuomas shook his head.  
"She fainted but she's still alive."  
Jukka looked quite relieved and now helped Tuomas to carry Tarja backstage, while Emppu and Sami tried to calm the fans a little.

Tuomas laid Tarja down on the couch in one of the backstage rooms and looked at her.  
She was breathing, slowly, but she was alive.  
He brought up his hands and closed the buttons of her dress again, the buttons which the Mexican had ripped open as he had wanted to rape her.  
"You'll survive, my Love", he whispered and kissed her lips.  
His lips stayed on hers for a while, for minutes, and as he pulled back, he got a shock.  
She was looking at him.  
"Tarja", he breathed. "I'm so glad you're awake. How are you??" His cheeks were glowing, would she scream at him now for kissing her?  
"I'm ... fine?", Tarja replied. "My head hurts and I feel dizzy ... What - what happened?"  
"You don't remember?", Tuomas asked and Tarja shook her head.  
"Not a thing ... Did I hit my head while having sex with you?", she giggled and Tuomas didn't answer for a while. Had she just really said that ...?  
"No?", he said and observed her. "Are you really okay?"  
"Well, my head hurts, as I said before", Tarja replied and then smiled at him. "But you could kiss me again, maybe I'd feel better, then ..."  
"Tarja", Tuomas started slowly, but he got quiet as Tarja pulled him down.  
"I never thought I'd love someone like I love you", she whispered and pecked his lips. "But I have a problem, Love."  
Tuomas still didn't answer, he was too confused by what was happening to say a word. But it wasn't necessary anyway, Tarja already went on talking.  
"Where are we? Is that our living room? Since when are we a couple? Because I feel as if I've known you for a life time. But somehow I don't remember your name ..."  
Tuomas' head was pulsating and he slowly realised that Tarja had lost her mind - literally. He carefully reached up to her and caressed her head, feeling a big bump where the Mexican had crashed her down. And Tarja looked up to him, her beautiful, green eyes resting on his face.  
"What's your name?", she whispered with a pleading look.


	2. Chapter 2

"What's your name?", she whispered with a pleading look.  
Tuomas' mouth went open. "Tarja ...", he said and carefully caressed the big bump at the backside of her head. It didn't bleed, thank God. "You hit your head pretty bad. The doctor will be here soon."  
"Oh, good. What happened?", Tarja said and Tuomas pulled his hand away, looking at her in worry. She didn't remember anything, so it seemed.  
"Someone attacked you on stage", Tuomas said with squinted eyes. "What do you remember?"  
"Of the attack?", Tarja asked and her eyes went open. "Nothing. Why was I even on a stage?"  
"And what do you remember of your life? Of Nightwish?", Tuomas asked without answering. She really didn't remember a thing!  
"Nightwish?", Tarja asked confused. "What is that? I remember nothing. Where are we? What's your name?"  
"Tuomas", Tuomas finally answered. "And we're in Mexico. Tarja, if you say you remember nothing of your life, why did you kiss me?"  
Tarja blushed. "Because you kissed me too, so I just thought we were a couple ... Aren't we together ...?"  
Tuomas didn't reply first but then he took Tarja's hand and smiled. Tarja had told him that she loved him, and even though she couldn't remember him, she couldn't be lying, right? Could be that she had forgotten about her life, but she still could feel - maybe she had just felt that she loved him and assumed they were a couple? Oh, and of course she had also assumed that because Tuomas had kissed her.  
Tuomas' mind went crazy, he couldn't quite believe that Tarja maybe loved him. But it only made sense, right? She had never told him, but always seeked for his closeness. She had cried whenever he had said something mean, whenever they had fought, ...  
Maybe she had pushed her feelings away, but now they were breaking out. That would mean she had loved him all along, even before the attack. Right?  
Tuomas squeezed her hand and decided to do something dangerous, something utterly stupid, something totally lunatic.  
"We are together", he said gently and Tarja smiled back at him.  
"I love you", Tarja whispered. "Did I ever tell you?"  
Tuomas shook his head. "You never did until before and now", he said and Tarja caressed his cheek.  
"Why didn't I? Well, I tell you now. I don't remember falling in love with you but I can feel it ... My heart is beating when I look at you and I just want to kiss you over and over ..."  
Tuomas bent down and locked their lips again.  
Wow.  
It did mean she had loved him before the attack. If her heart was beating and she could feel that she loved him - Tuomas wondered why she had never told him.  
Every time they had practised together, every time they had spent time with each other - all the time she had loved him as well as he had loved her.  
Tuomas carefully wrapped his arms around Tarja and sighed quietly, pulling away from the kiss. "I'm so happy you're alright", he whispered. "Well, besides of your memory loss."  
Tarja smiled. "Right ... But I'm sure you will help me get my memory back, right?"  
She caressed his face and Tuomas nodded.  
He bent down and their lips met again, as the door went open and Jukka, Marcelo and the doctor came in.  
As Tuomas pulled away, all of the men who just had entered, felt something different.  
First of all, the doctor felt indifference. He didn't know them, and his only duty was to help the injured woman, so he asked Tuomas to get away, so he could have a look at Tarja's head.  
Second, Jukka was grinning madly, looking at Tuomas as joyous as he felt inside. Finally that big pansy had told her! And Tarja had obviously kissed him back, so she felt the same.  
And last, Marcelo felt deep disappointment. He immediately realised that he would have never had a chance with the beautiful black haired, she seemed to be happy with the keyboarder. Why hadn't he noticed before? Marcelo's heart was clenching as he realised that they probably wanted to stay a secret, and that was why he had never seen them kissing or holding hands until now. But why had she agreed to go on a drink with him? Only because she needed a smoke-free after show-programme? Marcelo felt hurt. He had liked this woman from the very beginning, she had enchanted him from the first second he had seen her. How could she be together with this big baby?  
Tuomas didn't notice the look that the Argentine man was throwing at him, he was watching how the doctor felt the bump on his 'girlfriend's' head. "Does it hurt somewhere else?", he asked and Tarja straightened her back.  
"Yes, on my back", she answered the doctor nodded.  
"Could I have a look on it?"  
Tarja nodded, but before she undressed herself, she threw an unconscious look at Jukka and Marcelo, who got the hint and left the dressing room.  
"Since when are they a couple?", Marcelo asked the drummer as soon as the door was shut and Jukka grinned.  
"Oh, for quite a while now", he chuckled.

Tuomas tried not to moan as he helped Tarja get out of her dress.  
Her backside was so slim and he wished nothing more than being able to open her bra right now.  
"He hit you pretty bad", the doctor said as he carefully touched the blue bruises on her shoulders. "I'll prescribe an ointment for the bruises and tablets for your pain. And I will have to force you to end this tour. Your girlfriend needs peace." He looked at Tuomas, who nodded.  
"Doctor ... We have a problem. Tarja can't remember what happened ..."  
"She can't?", the doctor asked. "Hm. That sounds like a sign of a short termed amnesia, nothing serious though, since she still can talk and knows who she is."  
Tuomas looked at Tarja a little helplessly, but the woman didn't respond.  
"What is the last thing you remember?", the doctor asked and Tarja bit her lip.  
"That Tuomas ... kissed me backstage and told me I would rock the stage", Tarja answered quietly.  
Tuomas couldn't believe his ears. Tarja was lying to the doctor! But as the man looked at Tuomas, he nodded.  
"I always do that", he said and took Tarja's hand. "So she will get back her memory?"  
"After a while", the doctor reassured and nodded. "A few days of peace and she'll be able to remember the attack again, even though she probably doesn't want to."  
"Do you know if they caught the attacker?", Tuomas asked and helped Tarja sliding back into the coat of her dress.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't pay much attention on that", the doctor apologised. "I only came here with the knowledge that I had to check on an injured singer."  
He gave the prescription to Tuomas, who was smiling. "Thank you", the keyboarder replied and the doctor touched his hat.  
"Have a nice evening and call me if it gets worse."  
As soon as the doctor was gone, Tuomas hugged Tarja carefully. "How are you, Tari?", he asked and Tarja sighed.  
"I feel helpless, Tuomas. I can't remember anything ..." She buried her face in Tuomas' shirt.  
"It's okay, I'll help you get through it" Tuomas said and kissed his Love's forehead. "Just trust me."  
"I trust you", Tarja whispered and looked up to Tuomas, smiling. "So I'm really a singer? Wow."  
"You're the best singer existing", Tuomas chuckled. "Just try it."  
And Tarja opened her mouth. "Ah ...", she sang quietly, as if she was afraid. "Tuomas, I'm not sure ..."  
"Hold on", Tuomas quickly said opened the bag next to the mirror, knowing there was a walkman inside. And he pulled it out, cheering that Tarja had listened to Wishmaster before the concert. He fastened forward to Two For Tragedy, gave Tarja the headphones and pressed play after she had put it in.  
Tarja's eyes slowly widened and also her mouth went agape as she got surprised by her own voice. "That is by me??", she asked and pulled out the headphones. "No, that can't be. I don't believe you, Tuomas."  
"It's sung by you, my love. You're the best singer I've ever met." Tuomas knelt down and took her hands. "And the song is written by me and for you ... Such as every song is."  
Tarja smiled, still not fully believing him. She felt so helpless, she couldn't remember anything. Nothing was there, there was a big hole. She couldn't even remember her last name.  
Tarja started sobbing and threw herself in Tuomas' arms. "I'm - I'm sorry", she sobbed. "But I want to remember ... There is nothing, Tuomas. Nothing!"  
Tuomas pressed her against her body, patting her back. "Oh dear ... You know what? The two of us will go to our hotel room now and I'll explain your life to you. How about that?"  
"Sounds good", Tarja mumbled and melted in her boyfriend's embrace.  
It was so strange, even though she remembered nothing, she felt that it were his arms she belonged in.

Days passed and Tarja's memory didn't come back, but she had never clung herself on Tuomas like she did now. Before she said something, she looked at Tuomas, waiting for his nod. Before she went somewhere, she asked Tuomas to come with her. She always seeked for his hand, his arm, his shoulder, or his lips - it just seemed as if she couldn't get enough of touching him.  
Tuomas had explained to her why they had to stay a secret to outsiders, he had said that he didn't want all the attention on their relationship like other stars, rumours, and so on.  
Jukka, Sami and Emppu pretended as if there was nothing more normal than Tarja and Tuomas being a couple. Tuomas had been fast enough to tell them the truth, and luckily the guys noticed that Tarja didn't only cling to him because he had been the first one she had seen - she loved him, she really did. And he loved her from the depths of his heart, he cared about her with growing worry as her memoy didn't want to come back.  
Tarja cried every night.  
Even though she trusted and loved Tuomas more than anything, she hated he fact that she couldn't remember anything. And that fact frightened her.  
And Tarja didn't want to sing anymore.  
After a few days she tried, but then she sighed and told Tuomas that she had lost her love to sing. She didn't like it. Tuomas hadn't replied, he had only embraced her and told her that everything would turn out to be okay.

More days passed and Tarja didn't even try to sing anymore.  
The band flew back to Finland after a week, after Tarja's injuries had healed. The bump of her head was gone and the bruises on her shoulders and back had already almost vanished completely, but Tuomas didn't recognise a single part of his old Tarja again.  
She had turned into a fragile, careful little girl, she acted shyly around people and told Tuomas she didn't feel good, safe on the stage.  
But Tuomas still cared about her, he tried to do everything to make her feel better. He did everything for her, treated her like a queen, gave her everything she wanted.  
Back at home, Marjatta and Teuvo were shocked about what had happened to their Tarja, especially after Teuvo had asked his daughter to go on a skiing trip with her.  
"Skiing?", Tarja had whispered. "But ... I could fall and break a leg ... Or my neck ..."  
"But Tari, you love going skiing!", Teuvo had shouted, but the girl had shrugged.  
"I guess I once did."  
Marjatta had excused herself after that and then she had walked out, Tuomas watching her shaking hands as she lit a cigarette outside.  
"You should quit", he said gently after he positioned himself next to the elder Finn, who now looked at him, before she blew smoke into the air.  
"You also should", she said with a shaking voice and Tuomas sighed.  
"Marjatta ..."  
"No!", Marjatta interrupted him. "Don't even try to make me feel good! You left with my daughter and came back with that ... that strange, foreign girl! She isn't my daughter!"  
"She sadly is, she is Tarja", Tuomas mumbled and snipped his cigarette on the ground. "She's not the Tarja I fell in love with, true, but she is Tarja ..."  
"She doesn't sing anymore", Marjatta said. "She doesn't even play an instrument anymore! She is shy, boring and frightened! Tuomas? This is not my daughter! She used to go to Lapland for a skiing trip with her father and brothers for two or three weeks sometimes! She has been so adventurous and now she's just ... She's boring and frightened. Ask her to drive to your island, let's see what she replies!"  
"I don't need to ask her, I know she wouldn't enter my boat", Tuomas said softly. "Okay, you're right. This is not our Tarja ..."  
"Tuomas", Marjatta said and grabbed the young man's shoulder. "Bring her back to me. Bring back my daughter, promise."  
Tuomas nodded. "I promise, even though that would probably mean the end of our relationship ... And friendship, if she finds out that I lied to her", he said quietly. "But at least she would be able to live her life again."


	3. Chapter 3

The bad coincidence ate Tuomas.  
The more days passed, the sadder grew Tarja. There were days where she didn't even want to stand up.  
"Come on, Love, you have to stand up", Tuomas begged and tried to pulled his girlfriend out of the bed but the young woman made herself heavy so it was impossible for the thin man to pull her up.  
"I don't know what to do, Tuomas", Tarja sighed. "I can't remember a bit of my old life, why should I even stand up? I have nothing to do, I have no hobbies, I don't like my so called friends ..."  
Tarja's 'so called friends' had been shocked after they had heard what had happened to her, and after spending some time with the 'new' Tarja, they noticed that this woman wasn't Tarja.  
She had no funny vein in her body, she didn't drink alcohol, she had no vitality anymore. And soon her old friends had stopped talking to her - and Tarja hadn't minded, since she harboured no feelings for them.  
This way she had also stopped talking to Emppu, she had dearly adored the little man before her accident, but now she avoided him, thinking of him as too hyped and wild.  
"Don't you want to drive somewhere?", Tuomas asked and bent down to her, giving up on pulling her out of the bed.  
"Nooo", Tarja whined, but Tuomas kissed her gently.  
She never pushed him away when he kissed her, she only pulled him closer and turned him over. She liked being on top when they kissed, Tuomas wondered if she also liked being on top when they made love.  
"I want to drive somewhere with you", Tuomas mumbled against her urging lips. "Kidnap you somewhere we went together ... Before your accident ..."  
Tarja stopped kissing her. "Where to?"  
"Can I surprise you?", Tuomas asked. "It may help you getting back your memory."  
Tarja sighed and nodded. "Okay", she whispered and closed her eyes. "Take me somewhere we went together. I trust you."

Tarja sat in the drivers seat, staring out the window watching the clouds move through the sky. Tuomas said the drive would be quick since he was taking her to a special place in their home town, Kitee. Tuomas had hoped that bringing Tarja to this place would bring back her memories, but in the back of his head, a voice that whispered silently taunted him. So what if she does start to remember things? You'll be fucked. She'll know you lied, she'll never forgive you. Your life would be over. He looked over at Tarja's innocent face and felt the guilt wash over him. This wasn't even the Tarja he knew, and now he was determined to get her back. They pulled up to the small old club, which held so much them. Or at least had. Now it seemed Tarja had absolutely no recollection of the wonderous moment that occurred in that concert hall. She looked at the building skeptically and then turned to Tuomas.   
"Tuo, what is this place?" she asked, lightly grasping his arm. Tuomas' heart broke silently.   
"This ... this is where we had our first concert, Tari," he said, "do you not remember it?"  
"Nope ... Should I?" Tuomas let out an exasperated sigh.  
"It was kind of a big deal for us, ya, you should remember. But don't worry, maybe when we'll go inside something will trigger your memory." Tarja looked around anxiously and held on to his arm tighter. Gently, he placed a kiss on her forehead and led her into the club. The small hall was being set up for another concert, but thankfully Tuomas had spoken to the owner, and arranged to have access to the hall for a short time. As they walked through the venue towards the stage, the tall man kept an eye on his girlfriend, watching for any signs of recognition. Her face remained blank and emotionless.  
"So ... this is where we performed for the first time ..." she started to say, "I really don't remember it at all." Tuomas walked over to the stage and took her hand, leading her over to it. They sat on the edge for a moment and looked upon the open floor, which was filled with screaming headbangers at night. He could recall that night so strongly. From throwing up before the concert and shaking in fear before stepping onto the stage, to feeling the epic rush of emotion and energy after playing the last song, and taking a moment to bow. Her recalled gazing into Tarja's eyes just as they finished their bow. No words were needed when their eyes met. Of course, now that memory was non-existent to her, and it crushed him. Slowly he pushed himself onto the stage and stood up.   
"My keyboard was about here," he said motioning to the left side of the stage, "and you ... were about here." He stood center stage, looking out at the audience. He motioned at her to get up, and she walked over to him carefully.  
"Sing something, it could help." Tuomas wrapped his arms around her and she swayed back and forth.  
"I don't know, Tuo. I haven't sung since the accident."  
"Just try please ..."  
"I wouldn't even know what to sing," tears started to well up in her eyes.  
"Come on, it'll help you remember-" before he could say anymore she broke down in tears.  
"I can't okay! Just stop this! I don't remember what happened, and maybe a part of me doesn't even want to! Why can't you just leave me alone? Why can't you just let go?! I want to move on. Just forget about it okay?!" she yelled. "I love you Tuo, but I can't handle you being like this anymore! It's like all you care about is getting the 'old me' back. She's gone. Face it."  
"Tari, you mean too much to me to just give up! We had so much before all this and it's destroying me that you can't remember anything! Nothing! You're not the person I fell in love with anymore!"  
"Well," Tarja said dryly. "Sometimes people change."  
And with that, she stomped out of the room. For a moment, Tuomas caught a glimpse of the woman he loved.

But outside she was being the old, no, the new Tarja again. "Let's drive home", she begged softly.  
"But Tarja, I have to take you somewhere else ..."  
"Stop trying", Tarja said again, this time a little calmer. "Tarja is gone. I know it's sad but now I'm like this ... I'd be happy to get her back, for your sake, but I already gave up hope ..."  
"But I don't give up", Tuomas said and embraced her. "Tari. Love. You have to understand why I fell in love with you."  
Tuomas led her to a little bench and took her hands. "Your eyes. They were so happy, they always shone with joy. You always smiled, besides when you were concentrated on singing. And how it turned me on ... I had hard times in holding myself back. And then you hit every note, your high, operatic voice always went right to my core and made my heart swell ... You always seemed so adult and sensible, but you were a real badass. You were wild. You had to tour with four crazy men. You were tough and you were the craziest of us. You were such a joyous person ... But if you were angry, you exploded. Once you threw a lamp at Jukka." Tuomas chuckled as he remembered that incident. He had almost died of laughter, which had caused him to receive an angry look from the drummer. Tuomas stopped chuckling and took her hands in his. "But still I fell in love with you so hard and now ... That girl is gone."  
"Maybe that girl became a woman", Tarja said weakly, staring at her nails. "I'm sorry that I'm not this girl anymore."  
Tuomas took his head. "Tari, please understand that I can't give up on her", he said. "I won't give up hope, we'll figure out what to do. Let me take you to Savonlinna, please."  
Blue met green, his eyes were looking for agreement in hers, understanding even. She didn't seem to understand, but still she nodded.

So Tuomas took her to Savonlinna, the place where she had moved at the the age of sixteen, the place where she had studied singing for three years. The college that had changed her sweet voice into the strong and powerful voice she had now.  
Tuomas could recall the day he had asked her to join his band too clearly, and he wished that she would remember as well.  
They got out and walked towards the college, their hands entwined.  
But Tarja didn't seem to recognise the building.  
Tuomas couldn't hide his disappointment, and it hurt Tarja, it teared her heart apart, it crushed her madly. She loved him and she hurt him. She disappointed him.  
"Come", Tuomas muttered and pulled her through the whole school, but at every room they looked in, Tarja shook her head.  
Tuomas felt close to tears. Who was this girl?  
After some time they met an old teacher of Tarja, he immediately recognised the young woman - sadly she didn't recognise him.  
Tuomas told him what had happened, and the teacher reacted completely shocked.  
"Tarja!", he had said. "You can't stop singing. You once told me you started singing at the age of three! You can't give up that easily!"  
"Can't you just leave me alone? Everyone?", Tarja asked softly and wanted to pull Tuomas further, but her boyfriend pulled her back to him.  
"No, Tarja", he scolded. "He's right! Three years, Tarja! You have it in your blood! You have a goddamn talent and you just throw it away!"  
But Tarja didn't answer and Tuomas looked at the teacher apologetically.

It was quiet in the car. Too quiet. Tuomas decided to put in a CD as the silence almost deafened him.  
But sadly the CD continued where he had stopped for the last time and soon the intro of Sacrament of Wilderness filled the car.  
Tarja smiled softly. "That song sounds amazing", she said and Tuomas blushed. At least that hadn't changed, one thing she still liked - listening to music, especially metal.  
"Thanks", he said softly and Tarja's face fell again.  
"Oh. It's Nightwish ... Right?"  
Tuomas didn't have to answer, a second after her question, her own voice was audible.  
"Naked in midwinter magic lies an angel in the snow, the frozen figure -"  
Tarja quickly switched off the radio and then it was quiet again.

And then they arrived in Kitee, but instead of driving her home, he drove more into the city.  
"So this isn't over yet", Tarja sighed as he stopped in front of a little jazz bar. "Jazz, Tuo?"  
"We were in a little jazz band a while ago", Tuomas said with a smile. "Well, I was. You were a guest singer for a few times. Do you remember Professor Dimov?"  
"You know the answer", Tarja sighed bit added, "no. I don't know who he is, sorry."  
Tuomas got out of the car and so did Tarja. She followed him inside, quietly wondering about what instrument he had played.  
Tuomas greeted the owner of the bar. "Hey, Alex. May I have the saxophone for a moment?"  
"Tuomas?", Alex replied, his eyes wide. "Sure, but - since when do you play the sax again?"  
"I don't, to be honest, I haven't touched it in years", Tuomas admitted. "But Tarja here" he waved over to Tarja, "wanted to hear me again."  
"Oh", Alex said and smiled at Tarja. "Hey, Tarja. Have I ever told you that you get more beautiful with every time I see you?"  
Tarja blushed. "Thanks."  
Alex grinned at her and Tarja returned her look to the stage, where Tuomas licked and softened his lips with opening and closing his mouth in a fast way. It looked heavenly endearing   
Tarja took a chair and sat down, waiting for Tuomas to play.  
"Sorry if it sounds stupid", he said. "I haven't played in a while, about five years, to be honest. But for you, Tarja, I would even give concerts." Tarja smiled. "I love you so much", Tuomas said and locked their eyes before he whispered, "Please come back to me."  
And then he softly blew into the saxophone before he placed the mouthpiece on his lips and started playing a song he knew by heart and would never forget - the song he had played as he had recognised what he felt for her during a performance.


	4. Chapter 4

She had lost so much weight.  
The bags under her eyes were horrible and her face was as white as a sheet.  
She hadn't only lost her memories and vitality, eventually she had also lost her beauty.  
Tuomas said nothing when she left the school and only shook her head.  
For a month they had tried, almost everyday they went somewhere else, desperately trying to bring back a single memory.  
Tuomas knew that he had tried everything, he had even brought her to their old middle school, he had told her about her bullies, what they had done to her, how it had ended, how Professor Dimov had 'saved' her (unlike the other teacher who hadn't even tried), how she had sung in his jazz band for the first time and so on.  
He had visited Kitee's church with her, they had sat in the back of it for two hours, Tuomas had even sung a few Finnish church songs, he had even tried to sing the Christmas song which Tarja had performed with the age of three ... But nothing.  
Tarja shook her head and Tuomas opened his arms letting the sad woman step into them. She leaned against him and buried her face in his shoulder.  
"That's it", she whispered. "I won't remember, Tuomas. What if I just ... I don't know, study something else? Maybe I could be a doctor or something ..."  
"Maybe you should", Tuomas said softly. He as well had given up hope to get back her memory, but still he tried. He thought so hard about what he hadn't tried yet, and the answer was clear. But she would never agree.  
"What do you want to do now, honey?", Tuomas asked gently. He felt something heavy on his chest, like an elephant had sat down on it.  
For a while he had thought that he had to give up Nightwish, but Tarja had made it clear to him that he didn't have to.  
"I love your music", she had told him a few days ago while tracing the outlines of his face with her index finger. "I don't want you to stop but I'm afraid you have to look for a new singer. You're beautiful by the way ... So glad that you're mine."  
Tuomas had been flattered by her compliment and then she had kissed him and he had seen that Tarja was right. They could continue - but with a new singer.  
"Can you play something on the piano to me?", Tarja asked and Tuomas smiled. He could tell that Tarja loved it when he played for her.  
"If you sing along", he tried and Tarja rolled her eyes.  
"It won't help", she said softly and took his hand. "But if it makes you happy, I will."

Twenty minutes later they sat in front of the piano.  
"Do you remember that song?", Tuomas asked hopefully and pointed at the score. Tarja shook her head.  
"It goes like this" Tuomas said gently and started playing, but then he placed her hands on the keys. "Do you want to try?"  
Tarja gasped. "I can't play, Tuomas!"  
"Sure you do, you've learnt it", he said. "My mother taught you."  
"I know", Tarja said desperately. "But I don't remember anything."  
"And what if I show you? We used to do that sometimes ... I could be your new teacher -" Tuomas went quiet at the sight of his girlfriend's wet face.  
"I - I'm so sorry", she sobbed. "I hate this, I hate that I don't remember a single thing! I - I don't want to learn everything from anew! Tuomas, I love you but please stop trying! It won't help!"  
"No", Tuomas said loudly and stood up, running his hand through his hair. "Someone has taken my Tari, my first love, the woman who is my world, my everything. I will never give up on her, I will try on!" He grabbed Tarja's hand and looked at her sadly. "But I also don't want to lose you at all ... one more and I'll give up trying, okay? One more trip and I'll leave you alone with my tries. I promise!"  
Tarja stared at him and then she bit her lower lip and nodded.

But when they were placed on the boat, she already regretted the decision. "I'm scared", she called and Tuomas gave her an icy glare.  
"Finns aren't afraid to be on boats", he said quietly and for the rest of the drive he ignored her sighs and whimpers.  
The island slowly came to sight and Tuomas sent a prayer to God, or whoever was watching him up there. She needed to remember. And if she wouldn't remember after a day on his island, he'd give up.  
And he'd live with the fact that she wasn't the woman he had fallen for anymore. 

As the island came into view, Tuomas kept an eye on Tarja. At this point he had little faith her memory would come back, but every second with that blank look on her face scared the life out of him. Just as before, he waited for a glimmer of recognition but only the dull stare remained. Waves lapped against the side of the boat as they pulled up to the shore of the island, and the cabin peaked out from between the trees. Tuomas grabbed a rope and anchored the boat to the dock. Tarja sat in place stiffly as he did so. The love of her life stabilized the boat and held out his hand to her. "Let's go, my love." The trees outside swayed softly in the breeze, relaxing Tuomas slightly. He unlocked the door of the cabin and led Tarja in. The roomy cabin was cozy and had the comforting smell of wood, which Tuomas welcomed. Come to think of it, it had been a while since he visited his second home. He used to spend his time there for weeks on end, whether it would be writing and recording demos with Nightwish or spending time relaxing and reflecting on his own. Life had been keeping him busy lately. 

"So I was thinking we could hop in the sauna for a bit ..." said Tuomas.  
"Ya, sure," she replied cautiously. Both Finns were undressed and in the sauna within the next few minutes. Tuomas enjoyed the feeling of the steam against his skin, making him sweat. The hot temperature cleansed him and made him feel renewed. He could only hope the same for Tarja. "Remembering anythin -"  
"No, so stop asking." She sighed. Tuomas wrapped his arm around her and held her closer, praying for a miracle. "We've been here a few times Tari," he started, "chilling with the guys after a successful recording session -"  
"And alone too, I'm guessing?" Tarja asked as she looked into his eyes. Tuomas was suddenly flustered by that question, and was reminded of his lie. He averted his gaze, "Yup, a few times." For a while he had forgotten about his deception and he had started to believe it himself. But alas, he was living in reality, where he and Tarja had never actually been together, and he had lied and said they were. Of course, he had only done it because he did have true feelings for her, and she had true feelings for him. It wasn't that terrible of a lie, was it?  
Tarja recognized the look on his face and began to worry, "What are you thinking about? It seems to be troubling you."  
"It's nothing, just thinking about the past."  
"We shouldn't dwell on it, Tuo. You know there's no going back, there's only the future we have together," she said taking his hand.  
"There's still hope," he muttered. "Do you remember that time the guys and I got so drunk at Christmas that we stripped and ran around the pine tree outside, naked?" Tuomas laughed to himself and when he saw Tarja smiling he continued the story, "You just stood there filming us and giggling. I bet the video is floating around on the internet somewhere ..."  
Suddenly the realization hit him like a brick. "Hey! That's it! Maybe if you see the video you'll remember that night, and maybe it'll trigger more memories -"  
"I don't think so Tuomas," she said, but then the look on his face sunk and she reconsidered the idea, for his sake. "Ok. It's worth a try."

Soon, Tarja and Tuomas sat on the leather couch in the lounge, a laptop on their lap, youtube open, ready to search for that video.  
"Where do I even begin?" asked Tuomas. "There must be thousands of videos of us doing stupid shit."  
"Just search 'Nightwish funny moment' and see what comes up", Tarja suggested with a giggle and Tuomas typed and immediately there were multiple videos displayed, but as they scrolled through, none of them seemed to have what they were looking for. "Maybe try searching for something more specific," said Tarja, almost hopefully.  
"Like what? 'Nightwish dancing around a tree naked?'" Tuomas smirked.  
"Yes, why not?" exclaimed Tarja as she typed those exact words into the search bar. Surely enough, the third video down was titled, "Merry Christmas from Nightwish". The thumbnail matched the memory Tuomas had in mind, and without hesitation he clicked on it. "Are you ready for this?" He asked, ready to press the play button. His girlfriend nodded, and Tuomas noticed the glint of hope in her eyes, just for a moment, and so he played the video. The quality was terrible, but still, the memory- for him at least- was clear. The stupidity that must have been coursing through their veins in that moment (and the alcohol of course) led the men of Nightwish to do some remarkably stupid things. This was probably the most stupid. Had it been a dare? Had it just been an impulsive decision brought on by heavy intoxication? For the life of him, Tuomas couldn't remember. "Tari, I can't believe we found this."  
"So that's me right? The one laughing in the background?" Tarja smiled slightly, she had never heard herself laugh like that after the accident.  
"Yes, you were laughing your ass off at us," laughed Tuomas.  
Tarja replied, glumly, "I wish ... I wish I could remember. It seems like such a stupid thing one would never forget, but here I am. That moment forgotten." A tear rolled down her face, and Tuomas embraced her warmly.  
"It's alright, my love. We tried," he said, stroking her back, calming her slightly, "We tried."

"I don't know what to say", he whispered, his hands running lower on her naked body, drawing circles on her hips.  
"Shhh, Love, just don't say a word", she whispered back and closed her eyes. "Just kiss me ..."  
"Gladly", he said quietly and bent down, kissing her exposed stomach.  
He couldn't believe it.  
After some time of comforting her, Tuomas had started to look for other videos, interviews of the band. He had been successful, there were a bunch of Finnish and also English interviews that showed Tarja with almost every impossible hairstyle, short and curly, short and straight, long and curly, long and straight.  
He had showed her some live performances also, and while he was drawn to the laptop, Tarja had suddenly pressed pause, turned his head and kissed him and now, after a few minutes, she was beneath him, travelling her hands over his naked upper arms.  
His mouth went closer to her navel and lower, and after he had planted some kissed on her belly, he went up again. He gently licked the skin of the valley between her breasts and enjoyed the moans he caused to come from her.  
He reached down and touched her private parts, feeling the warm wetness dripping down, and without another warning, Tuomas had parted her legs and buried himself between her legs with a push.  
Her scream was deafening and Tuomas was glad they were alone, but once the sensation of losing her virginity was over, the Finns locked their eyes, both pairs ripped open widely.  
No one said a word, but they both thought the same.  
I was a virgin? Tarja thought.  
She was a virgin? Tuomas thought.  
No one moved, until Tarja smiled at him, signalising that he could go on.  
And he put his hands on her waist, locked their lips in a searing kiss and started thrusting against her, holding back his lust, eager to make her let go first. And when she came after minutes, he allowed himself to loosen his walls as well. The second time she came, he came with her and after whispering love declarations to each other, they fell asleep, their arms around each other.


End file.
